Tonight I went to see the Watchmen, of which a review is coming soon. But for now, I have to get something off my chest. Speaking of that, how in the damn world does "Would you like to try those [sunglasses] on" qualify as a "That's what she said" moment? According to the imbeciles sitting in front of Esch and me at the 6:40 showing of Watchmen it was the perfect opportunity. When Nite Owl says the aforementioned line, which is not funny or sexual in any way at all, one childish moviegoer quotes Michael Scott and the two rows of idiots in front of us broke into laughter for 10 seconds. Those 10 seconds felt like 10 minutes. But there is more. Tonight was the epitome of everything I hate about going to the movie theaters at night. Hell, I'm starting to hate movie theaters altogether.

SHUT THE HELL UP: What's the point of going to a movie if you are just going to talk the entire time? There is a reason the lights are dark and the screen is big. Focus on the movie, not your stupid party in row four. When you talk, it pisses everyone off. There is not a single soul in the world that enjoys listening to your conversation while a movie is playing. It's called whispering. Quite the physical phenomenon actually. Oxford Dictionary defines it as "a soft or confidential tone of voice." Was that so hard? Even better, why don't you just sit back and enjoy the movie. You have your entire life to discuss it when the credits roll.

DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS: When a production company dishes out millions of dollars to create a film, you can rest assured they will answer your questions. Most of the time, your question is being answered while you are asking me. If they don;t, it's because they want you to actually think for yourself. Imagine how much you could learn with open ears and shut mouths. But it gets worse when you ask stupid questions like, "Who's that guy?" or "What's going to happen to that girl?" If you must ask, "What did he just say?" then I can accept that, but let's be brief eh?

                                                 

MUST BE AN IMPORTANT CALL: Tonight, my "neighbor" was so preoccupied he was actually on AIM throughout the entire Watchmen movie. And yes, everybody around you can see the insanely bright screen of your iPhone. Where do you get the idea that, in a dark theater, a bright light is not going to bother your neighbors? To quote Christian Bale, "IT'S F—-ING DISTRACTING!" Feel free to make a quick text, but can't you just keep it close to your chest? Simply put, respect the people around you.

MY CHAIR IS NOT A BASS DRUM: Oh...My...God...I don't care if you are 3 or 33, keep your damn feet on the ground. We're not at Wrigley Field where the seats are about as wide as one butt cheek. It's a movie theater. There is plenty of room for you and your size eight shoes to not kick my chair. If it's that uncomfortable for you, go see Dr. Scholl's.
                                                                LOL-FREE ZONE: When something funny happens, go ahead and laugh. I can't express how aggravating it is when people laugh way beyond the funny part and I miss key dialogue because somebody needs every moviegoer to recognize the laughter. It shouldn't be the movie's responsibility to have 5 seconds of silence so you can giggle. Go watch TBS for a few hours. Even worse, it's unreal when people laugh at something that's not actually funny, just to get attention. I don't quite understand why people feel it's necessary to laugh OUT LOUD. If it is a comedy and it really is THAT funny, go ahead and be hysterical. But when subtle humor is implied and there isn't a hilarious one-liner or something, can't you just smirk? Or maybe chuckle? Why the all-out laughter?

WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING: How the heck can you be late to a movie? If you decided to see a film and realized it started right then and there, it is somewhat understandable. Most of the time it's just laziness. If a movie is scheduled to begin at 6:40, everybody knows that's actually when previews begin. Considering all of this, how can you arrive after the actual movie starts? Makes no sense. That means you were upwards of 15 minutes late. Ridiculous. If you are going to a movie, go to it.