Is our movie really this bad!? YES!
                                        —Is it just me or does this look like an image from Deal Or No Deal?

Imagine the last two hours of an on-and-off relationship, just as it's all about to hit the fan. Right from the get-go you know it's going to get bumpy. Then she starts babbling on about how you used to love her and now all you do is complain. Meanwhile, you sit back in your comfy chair wondering when the hell this is going to end and why you can't just end it. Noooo, you have to wait for her to end it (for the sake of this analogy) and every moment of these two hours she spends making your life a living hell so that she feels like the winner is more agonizing than the one before it. This is Land Of The Lost. This is also Will Ferrell's movie career.

I nearly left the theater on 10 different occasions. I am not lying or exaggerating here. But I felt it was my duty as a movie lover/reviewer to not only get my money's worth, but stay until the bitter end. And stay I did. Let me say this, I ran to the movie theater (part of my training for the Chicago Marathon). Four miles of running, with the intention of sitting back and enjoying a funny movie while my body recovers. Instead, every part of me wanted to sprint home to write this review. If my body would allow it, that would be the case. Instead, I spent a good hour or however long it took during my walk home contemplating the awfulness of the movie.

What a terrible excuse for a comedy. Some people may argue that Will Ferrell has lost his touch. Sure, he doesn't always make hit comedies, but at least he is slightly humorous in the attempts. Here, I wager anybody to actually find five scenes in which they genuinely laugh at anything Ferrell does. It's not that his jokes or gags were worn out, it's that there were NONE THERE. For some unbelievable reason, the writers decided to make this an unfunny movie. The number of times Ferrell or other cast members uttered words that they probably didn't even know the meaning of could only be counted on a calculator. Even the always reliable Danny McBride was disappointing. There was a certain humor to the things he did throughout the film that only made me laugh because I was thinking of his Kenny Powers character. In hindsight, nobody was funny. Nobody at all. The stupid monkey character was almost as aggravating as Jar-Jar Binks. The inexplicable ability for our female lead to understand his dialect was even more agitating. And don't even get me started on the talking alien dude.

Look, I did not go into Land of the Lost hoping to find some sort of realistic scientific adventure comedy. I wanted Will Ferrell and Danny McBride in ridiculous situations BEING FUNNY. Not just the two in ridiculous situations. I tried not to focus on how dumb the plot was, but it's impossible to hide. It was like somebody took George Lucas, hit him over the head 100 times, spun him around 50 times, dropped him off a cliff onto jagged rocks, then gave him 3 pills of ectasy and ASKED HIM TO PEN A SCRIPT. Awful. Just awful. I actually wanted to cut the entire movie screen into pieces. Some of you may be saying, "Mike, if it was so bad, coudl you really do any better?" Possibly. But I guarantee you if you gave me $100 million to make a movie it would be a hell of a lot better than Land Of The Lost.

I wanted to punch all three people clapping at the end of the movie for doing so. The only thing a human being should say positive about the film was its CGI. The special effects were breathtakingly detailed and in depth. It's a good-looking failure, I'll give somebody that. But whoever dished out that much money for a movie like this, which, from the start, had no chance of raking in any sort of money beyond $50 million, is beyond me. Although I have blamed a lot of people during this rant, the one who ruined the film ultimately was the editor Peter Teschner. It felt like a terrible episode of SNL, with random, unrelated bits and scenes piled on top of one another with hardly any continuity at all. Surely you've stopped reading this entire article, but if you did, I pray for you that you save your money. Don't even waste the time to watch it for free online somewhere. Let's all hope this is not the beginning of the end of Will Ferrell. If his late-night show appearances are any indication, he's still funny. SO START TAKING FUNNY ROLES!!!

out of 5 piles of dinosaur crap